Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
sex in a hospital.. check
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
