If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
