Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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