She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
