I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
