K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
