So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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