Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
