Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
