its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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