Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
