Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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