I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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