No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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