I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
