You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
