I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
