Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
