She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
