so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
