EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
