Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
