yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
