So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
