I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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