I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Randomize
