someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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