I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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