What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
so much tequila, so little girl.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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