Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
