I wish I could punch you in the face.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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