i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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