true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
