By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
