Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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