After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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