YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
