can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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