my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
