Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
