I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
