I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
