Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
