checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
