my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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