Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
