I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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