listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
