She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
