you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
