i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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