He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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