Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So squirting runs in the family.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
