you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
