So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
