got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
