BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
