Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
