My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I supernannyed him into submission
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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