I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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