Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
